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Debates about ‘good parenting’ have long been shaped by adult-centric theories. Baumrind’s (1991) typology of parenting styles and Bowlby and colleagues’ (1992) attachment theories remain dominant frameworks, emphasising what adults do to or provide for children (Ainsworth et al., 2015; Darling & Steinberg, 2017; Pinquart, 2016). While valuable, these perspectives risk portraying children as passive recipients of care. In practice, however, children are active participants in family life, as they experience, interpret and co-construct relationships with their parents. Overlooking their voices limits our understanding of parenting and its impact on children’s lives.

This blog post is based on a survey involving 273 children in the context of Sindh (62 per cent under 13 and 38 per cent teenagers; 52 per cent boys and 48 per cent girls), sought to explore how children conceptualise effective parenting. Adopting a child-centred lens, the analysis focused on three dimensions: the behavioural traits that define good parents; the emotional outcomes children associate with these traits; and the recommendations they would offer to parents themselves.

Children’s views on good parenting

The findings underscore that children value parents most as role models. Seventy-nine per cent of participants highlighted role-modelling as the most important attribute, followed by moral guidance (72 per cent) and parents setting a good example (66 per cent). Alongside these, listening (62 per cent) and understanding (59 per cent) emerged as central to effective parenting. Children also stressed the importance of provision, support that is both emotional and material. These perspectives suggest that parenting is not only about authority or responsibility but about reciprocity and relational presence.

‘Children value parents most as role models … parenting is not only about authority or responsibility but about reciprocity and relational presence.’

When describing how good parenting makes them feel, children echoed well-established psychological theories. Many emphasised safety, love and understanding, the concepts central to Bowlby and colleagues’ (1992) notion of a secure attachment base. Yet, notably, happiness also emerged as a critical marker of effective parenting. This is because earlier attachment models primarily focused on survival and emotional regulation, often overlooking the broader spectrum of children’s emotional experiences, including happiness (Ainsworth et al., 2015; Sroufe, 2005). Around 20 per cent of children explicitly identified happiness, alongside love and safety, as an outcome of positive parental behaviour. This finding resonates with research on children’s subjective wellbeing (Ben-Arieh & Frønes, 2011), pushing us to extend parenting discourses beyond security to include joy and flourishing.

Developmental differences

Age-based variations in expectations reinforce the importance of a dynamic understanding of parenting. Younger children emphasised concrete, physical expressions of care, such as hugs, affection and immediate reassurance. Teenagers, however, placed greater value on trust, mutual respect and autonomy. These differences reflect Erikson’s (1968) psychosocial theory, which highlights the growing need for independence and identity formation in adolescence. The implication is that effective parenting must be responsive, evolving alongside children’s developmental trajectories rather than adhering to static norms.

Advice from children

Perhaps most compelling were children’s prescriptive recommendations. They asked for parents to spend more time with them (18 per cent), demonstrate patience (18 per cent), understand their feelings (17 per cent), support their dreams (16 per cent), express affection more openly (16 per cent) and listen more attentively (15 per cent). These preferences challenge neoliberal discourses that prioritise productivity, discipline and achievement in family life (Faircloth, 2014). Instead, they point towards a more relational model of parenting in which presence, emotional attunement and support for aspirations are central. By articulating these desires, children position themselves not as passive recipients of parental authority but as active agents shaping family norms.

Rethinking parenting through children’s voices

Taken together, the findings reveal two underacknowledged but vital dimensions of parenting: role-modelling and relational reciprocity. While psychological frameworks often emphasise attachment bonds (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2019) or behavioural regulation (Bosmans et al., 2020), children highlight the importance of values embodied through action and mutual respect expressed through listening and understanding. These insights demand a shift in how we conceptualise parenting.

Parenting research and practice must move beyond adult-centred frameworks to integrate children’s perspectives as legitimate sources of knowledge. Doing so does not merely supplement existing theories but reshapes the conceptual terrain of parenting altogether. If parents are to guide, nurture and support effectively, they must also listen, reciprocate and adapt.

Conclusion

The central argument emerging from this analysis is that children are co-constructors of parenting norms. Recognising this challenges hierarchical assumptions and opens the door to more equitable, empathetic family relationships. It also suggests that parenting programmes should actively incorporate children’s perspectives, not only to validate their experiences but to enrich our collective understanding of what good parenting entails. Ultimately, if we want to know what makes a good parent, the most direct and transformative approach is also the simplest: ask the children.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. N. (2015). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Psychology Press.

Baumrind, D. (1991). Parenting styles and adolescent development. In J. Brooks-Gunn, R. Lerner, & A. C. Petersen (Eds.),ÌýThe encyclopedia of adolescence (pp. 746-758). New York: Garland.

Ben-Arieh, A., & Frønes, I. (2011). Taxonomy for child well-being indicators: A framework for the analysis of the well-being of children. Childhood,Ìý18(4), 460-476.

Bosmans, G., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., Vervliet, B., Verhees, M., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2020). A learning theory of attachment: Unraveling the black box of attachment development. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 113, 287–298.

Bowlby, J., Ainsworth, M., & Bretherton, I. (1992). The origins of attachment theory. Developmental Psychology,Ìý28(5), 759-775.

Darling, N., & Steinberg, L. (1993). Parenting style as context: An integrative model. Psychological Bulletin, 113(3), 487–496.

Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and crisis. Norton.

Faircloth, C. (2020). Parenting and social solidarity in cross-cultural perspective. Families, Relationships and Societies,Ìý9(1), 143–159.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2019). Attachment orientations and emotion regulation. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 6–10.

Pinquart, M. (2016). Associations of parenting styles and dimensions with academic achievement in children and adolescents: A meta-analysis. Educational Psychology Review, 28, 475–493.

Sroufe, L. A. (2005). Attachment and development: A prospective, longitudinal study from birth to adulthood. Attachment & Human Development, 7(4), 349–367.